Eureka

April 6, 2008

There comes a time in everyone's life when you need to sit back and think - really think - about your needs and wants. And I'm not talking about material things because, believe it or not, they will not make you truly happy. I'm talking about what you need in order to like yourself just that much more. What do you need in order to wake up with a smile on your face and contentment in your heart?

For quite awhile now, I have been contemplating just that. What do I need in order to feel content and at peace with myself? Sometimes, I would think I found the answer only to realise that I was ever so wrong. I've felt this longing, an aching, for a very long time. My mistake was that I was looking for the answers in the wrong place. I was thinking that I would find it with others. That they were the key, the missing piece. I really should have been looking within.

So why it that? What am I doing to myself (or not doing for myself)? The answer is quite simple. I can't believe it took this long for me to realise.

I tend to bend and weave to others - especially those I love. I love to give because I want everyone around me happy and fulfilled. But, in that process of giving and bending, I lost track of what I needed. Then I got depressed and empty. Then I begun to rely on others to fill that hole that I, myself, created and really only I can take care of. Then I got even more depressed because I felt alone. The I felt guilty because I thought I was being selfish for thinking of myself so I got busy "giving". I think we can see how this cycle goes.

Stupid cycle.

So the answer lies with me. "Great going, Captain Obvious" you say "But now what?"

The answer lies with me understanding the difference between giving and sacrifice. I need to learn to say "no".

"No" I won't cancel plans for people who won't do the same for me

"No" I won't sacrifice my time with my children, I don't get enough time with them as it is.

"No" I can't fill in for you tonight because I'm really tired and had a long day.

"No" I won't run around doing errands before work because it stresses me out and affects my entire shift.

"No" I won't rush around like a mad woman on my few days off.

"No" I won't give up "my" time to spend it with someone who really doesn't want to spend that time with me.

BUT for good measure, I'll add a couple of "Yes"es:

"Yes" I will take time for me every day

"Yes" I will show my love for all without reservation

"Yes" I will remember that those who truly love me, do indeed, love me

and

"Yes" I will enjoy every moment of every day and be grateful for what I do have

Thank you all for reading. I love you all :)

Have a great week!